Baby To Be

You live in the whispers of my heart, in my quiet imagination.
I see you walk the halls of my mind like an angel in the mist.
Sometimes your fingertips brush mine for just minor moments in time.
When you leave my dreams, I wish you'd linger.
Let me hold you, let me know you.
Sleepy cry, tiny lullaby, silky crown, skin like down.
Most beautiful creation that is yet to be.
I pray for you, and your life to be.
Stay safe in danger, and savor the flavors of joy.
Be strong in failures, and tenacious of faith.
Laugh from your belly, and cleansing cry.
I wait to meet you, my baby, I sigh.

Stop Questioning

I'm thinking of my biggest dreams, my most audacious hopes, and my lofty goals.

I was taught to dream big, to reach for the stars, to go after the things I want the most. I was taught these ideals, but not the fundamentals of how to get there. Or was I?

When do I fess up to the fact that I talk myself out of just being me?

When do I realize that the easiest step is the first step? And why is that step the most terrifying?

I stomp my feet, go around and around in circles, feeling helpless to take that first step.

What will it take to motivate me? Being uncomfortable where I am? Consuming love? Fear? Will those last?

That's my assignment: I will find my why. I'm learning that it is all wrapped up in just being me and trusting in God's plan.

"Stop thinking about how you can figure it out and know that I have already planned it out. Stop questioning how you'll walk it out and just know that I have already prepared and pre-planned every step that you must walk out. Stop questioning the authority that I have put within you and begin operating in the authority that I have set inside you, and call the things that are not as though they were, and speak forth with the Spirit of faith, and see the opportunities opened right before thee. When it is necessary, when it is absolutely time, it shall come to pass," Saith the Lord. "So don't question what the future will look like, just know that I have pre-planned, and I have prepared it. I have already pre-planned it for you to walk it out in authority, in revelation, in abundance in every arena of life. I have called you, I have anointed you, and I will work through you to fulfill My destiny in this Earth. Others will come along side, others will go with, if you stop questioning how you can do it and put all your faith and trust in Me, and watch me do it because I have already done it for each one of you!" Prayer @ LWCC 8-29-12

Storm

I don't understand why I'm going through what I am facing right now.
It is unjust. It is not convenient. It is certainly not easy. I have been treated unfairly.
People that I tried to please have abandoned me. I was not given a choice in this.
It is a storm, a battle, a lonely place.

Sound familiar?

I'm not going to pretend that I have this all figured out. I don't. I'm crying as I type this and fighting the icy hands of fear out of my mind. I'm angry, I'm so angry. I'm afraid. This storm is made of anger and fear, and I'm running headlong into it.

Have you ever run in the rain? Man, at first it's not fun, and my instinct is to turn for home and head for cover. But if I keep on running, it is amazing. The cool breeze, the soaking, the cleansing. Once I am soaked, I can't get any more soaked. I adapt, and take joy in the rain, tremble at the lightning, marvel at the thunder. The fury becomes my inspiration. The familiar looks different, it's easy to become lost, but wondrous and almost magical. I don't want an umbrella at this point, it would just hold me back. Let me embrace the storm, let it change me, let me feel the raw power, and come out a changed person.

ReBirthplace

When the path you take me isn't stone, when it's not laid out for me to walk alone.

I fret, fuss, and then complain. I try my own way all in vain.

Yearn to be delivered, then when free, I say, "I'm not where I want to be."

You didn't say it was a piece of cake. A leap of faith I have to take. 

You give me the grace to run in place, and the courage to make mistakes.

Baby birds fall when learning to fly, how much more precious am I?

Your eyes are on me, Your love surrounds me, I'm on Your mind.

There are plans for me beyond what I can see.

A future to unfold, wonders to behold.

Fill me up, but my little cup can't contain Your Majesty.

Increase my capacity, make me who I'm meant to be.

I get it now, You're all I need. 

I thought once it was up to me to choose my destiny.

That is an empty vain pursuit, I will never match your magnitude.

Take my pen, my voice is Yours, let echo on paper Your voice Lord.

Blind to self, change my sight, that I see them through Your eyes.

Bless my hands to do what's right, and my feet to stand and fight.

Renew my mind, and cleanse my heart. Refine my life, light the spark.

Take the pain, what's left of me, a willing heart is all you need.

No longer who I was - but always who You meant me to be.

Here is the birthplace of my passionate vitality.

Loss and Home

Heavenly Father,

You cling to me when I let go. You look tenderly at me with those eyes that see all my years. Your love burns away what I don't need. You teach me how to breathe again. You are always and will always be there for me.

You tell me, "Do not fear. Moments will make you feel afraid, but let love guide you back to solid ground. Do not grieve for too long at tragedies. If you still have breath, there is joy left for you. Do not be pained by selfish cares. Give something away and you will realize a new hope."

This is my hope: That I always come home. That I give God a real chance to hold my heart. I will stop clinging to people, my own strengths, ideas, and crutches. I will ask for a new glimpse of what life should be. People will inevitably let me down, strength with wane with time, and my ideas of a perfect life will burn away in the light of truth one day.

Bottom line: every profession and personality has its limits, its high points, and its downfalls. The most put together looking, could be the most lonely. The most beautiful might feel ugly at heart. The most vocal might fail to listen. The smartest can lack wisdom. Anyone can be lost and undone. It doesn't take much to loose focus in this life and end up somewhere completely unknown.

Be strong, look to Him, and carry on.

Jeremiah 29:11-14

New Living Translation (NLT)

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. 14 I will be found by you,” says the Lord. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”

Hebrews 12:1

New Living Translation (NLT)

12 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.

Hold His Hand

I remember sitting in school pretending to hold Jesus' hand when I was really little. When I was 6 years old, I got blisters from the monkey bars. I remember standing in line at the drinking fountain. It stung so bad, and I prayed that He would take the pain away, and He did. I'll never forget the soothing calm I felt at that moment.


Blisters are caused by fiction, something we are maybe trying so hard to grasp and hang onto. Or maybe something unnatural is clinging to us. It's uncomfortable, it's causing damage. The body's reaction is to cushion the point with fluid, and for a time that holds the pain at bay. But, eventually it wears down. On our own we are fragile. The skin will break after repeated abuse, and the pain of exposed and raw flesh is blinding. 


We don't stay broken. God made our bodies to heal, the broken places grow stronger, the pain fades, and callouses form. It is okay to become calloused to some things. Life is hard, and bad things happen. We are all called to help others carry their burdens. Sometimes we need an extra layer of skin to protect our hearts. Build those healthy spots. Guard your heart with wisdom. Don't be afraid to remove the things that cause unhealthy friction on your heart. Don't cling to the things/people that destroy you. Reach out for Jesus, let Him hold your hand and take the hurt. Let Him lead you to where you were meant to be all along, and I promise, there is nothing like that soothing calm.


Do not live in fear of your past, or in the fear or your future. Your worth is not determined by what you have done or what you might do. Figuring it all out on your own is not the answer. He's already figured it out, it's under control. Let it go.


The Word
Psalm 91:14-16 (The Message)
"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says GOD,  "I'll get you out of any trouble. I'll give you the best of care if you'll only get to know and trust me. Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times; I'll rescue you, then throw you a party. I'll give you a long life, give you a long drink of salvation!" 


(The Amplified)
Because he has set his love upon Me, therefore will I deliver him; I will set him on high, because he knows and understands My name [has a personal knowledge of My mercy, love, and kindness--trusts and relies on Me, knowing I will never forsake him, no, never]. He shall call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy him and show him My salvation.


Personal
Life is a strange balancing act. Between guarding my heart and learning to let go and trust, between planning for the future and lavishing in the present moment. I'm amazed at the ways the person I am morphs, grows, and changes. My identity is the same. Grounded in Christ, I remain. Without that love, I know I wouldn't be able to go on. I am so thankful for His love and grace in my life, His touch upon my heart, and His hands that keep me coming back to Him. I'm forever overwhelmed by that kind for forgiveness and love: life changing, soul searching, and habit breaking love.

Love > Death

A friend I know died this week.

My heart hurts for his family.

I can't stop thinking about life/death/those I'd leave behind/those that might leave me behind.

Not in a morbid sort of way, but in a thoughtful way.

Whys and what ifs have filled me this week.

Life is fragile.

Love is stronger than death. (Song of Solomon 8:6)

Image: Savatra

Image: Famie Fairnie

Joy and Strength

Nehemiah 8:10
“Do not be grieved, for the joy of the LORD is your strength."

THE DEFINITIONS

Grieved/Grief
“deep mental suffering often endured alone and in silence but revealed by one's aspect (or appearance). Also, keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret."

Joy
1. a deep feeling or condition of happiness or contentment
2. something causing such a feeling; a source of happiness
3. an outward show of pleasure or delight; rejoicing
4. success; satisfaction.

Strength
Place or means of safety, protection, refuge, stronghold.
Strength is the inherent capacity to manifest energy, to endure, and to resist.
A place of safety, fastness, harbour, stronghold, refuge, human protection.

MY THOUGHTS

The big thing that got me with this one was that grief is mental distress/suffering endured alone and in silence. Often we take these big heavy burdens onto ourselves, internalize them and they make us sick from the inside out. We think that just because we don't verbalize our pain that others aren't affected, but it is written in our body language and our mannerisms. It struck me how this one word can pretty much sum up all of life's badness: affliction, loss, sorrow, and even regret. Most of these things we can't even control or stop from coming at us. They just do. What we can control, instead, is our response to them. Our first instinct is to grieve. The emotion comes naturally, but we don't want to get stuck there.

Joy becomes our grief weapon and equips us with strength. I love this definition of strength: "The inherent capacity to manifest energy, to endure, and to resist. A means of safety, protection, refuge..." Holding onto joy, that's what gives us strength. The Lord gives us this burst of life and endurance in the midst of our circumstances. It's that extra pep to our step when we feel like fainting. It's the encouraging word to our neighbor when our own lives are in ruin. It's that ability to dig deep in order to bless someone else, even when we ourselves should be at the point of exhaustion. He picks us up, energizes us, and we have the incredible capacity to wear a smile even when all seems lost.

Joy is found by giving to others, and pouring into their hurting souls. It is striving with someone through the grit and the grime of the messes of life. It is picking up pieces of a broken heart and holding them until that person is strong enough to put them back together. It's going that extra mile and giving that extra smile. It's better that way.

“Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the victory itself”

-Mahatma Gandhi 

“Joy can be real only if people look upon their life as a service, and have a definite object in life outside themselves and their personal happiness” 

-Tolstoy

Legacy

This weekend, my family and I went to the MN History Center to see the play "1968 - The Year that Rocked the World" featuring our Uncle Jerry Miron. It was a special time of making memories, and honoring the heros in our life.

In Uncle Jerry's words, "The real heroes are the people that don't want to be heroes, they just get put in a situation and react." Those are the people we need around us, the silent heroes. The people who react from the bottom of their heart in every day situations. The people who bring out the best in those around them, who care enough to ask your name and give you a hug. They are the people who in one moment are a perfect stranger, and the next they bring you into their world of love and make you feel like a million bucks.

They are people like you and me, who don't feel like they have much to offer the world, but are willing to make an effort. They put themselves out there, in the hope that their story can help someone else. They are the people who rise above heartaches, life's trials, hopelessness, and choose to beleive in a bigger picture. They cling to the hope that " [God being a partner in their labor] all things work together and are [fitting into a plan] for good to and for those who love God and are called according to [His] design and purpose." Romans 8:28 

I'm so blessed and honored to have married into such a loving and God-fearing family. I know we all aren't perfect, but in striving to live our lives for God's glory, and touch those around us, we are creating a beautiful legacy.

Time and Meltdowns

I had a meltdown yesterday. My student yelled and thew a pencil at me, told me I was weird, and that I need to stop saying things that make him mad. Oh... and that I can't smile. Ha! It was a really long bad day, and I cried the whole drive home. That was soon followed by a panic attack that I don't have enough time in the day to work both jobs, eat, love on the hubs, be with family, be a friend, or do things that I enjoy.

I realize I need to work on time management. I'm learning to keep weeding out the things that only bring me down, and add some space the things that make me feel alive. I need a fresh dose of life in my living!

((Update)) As I was writing this, I got an update from one of my favorite people. This must be a theme today. Take a listen to Terri's take on Time Management. I will be using her Time Maps to get a grip on things.

So how do we cope when we feel overwhelmed, out of control, and burnt out? This is what I do, and you should try too!

1. Breathe a prayer. Pause and know that God cares about you and the situation, and ask for His guidence.

2. Realize that all situations are temporary and will change eventually.

3. Do something you can control. (work out, write your feelings, change your attitude, ect) 

4. Schedule some quiet time, even if it's just a few minutes to chill out, get your head back on straight. Listen to some music, hold your loved one, kitty, dog... whatever will calm you down.

Word of Encouragement

Psalm 119:105 "Your Word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path."

What this means to me: The Bible sheds light on our current circumstances, it gives us something to work with in the here and now. Also, it gives us light into the rest of our lives, the big picture, and the course that we should follow.



Confession - I'm drinking my coffee again. It makes me a better human being. All in moderation. 12 hour work days are not possible with a boost. Forgive me.

I've Got Skills!

What are those gifts that seem to come second nature to you, that you maybe shove aside as insignificant? Remember David? The shepherd that took down the giant Goliath? To David, using his slingshot as a weapon was just part of his unglamourous job as a shepherd. Yet this little skill was used to bring down a giant, and earned him honor among kings!

The giant that David faced was mocking his Country and his God. This upset David in a primal way. The little kid-shepherd took a stand, with the skills that he had. Grown men, seasoned soldiers even, cowered in fear at the feet of the giant. David stood, and fought for the destiny of his people, his Land, and his faith.

I think we need to be a little more primal in our lives and our reactions. So much of life we go through politically correct and numbed down that we pass up opportunities to shine, to fight for what we believe, and make a difference with our skills and passion. Make a little noise, be yourself, and take joy in your strengths. Even if they seem unglamourous at the moment, you have this life to use them for a purpose. Offer help when you see a need, even if it’s something little. Stop and injustice when you can, before it escalates into an ugly giant. Don’t waste your precious time on things that don’t matter.

This year, I’m focusing on using those talents, and touching the lives of those in my world. Right now I’m working full-time and then doing my cognitive training at night. This makes for 12 hours days, and weekend hours. At the end of the day my mind tells me I should be exhausted, but I’m discovering this magical feeling of excitement that tells me I’m right where I need to be. Offering these students a good dose of self-confidence and skills that will change their life is exhilarating! It’s so hard, and tears are shed, but when they look up and I see that it clicks in their head, and their eyes sparkle with hope, all the late nights and the long hours are so worth it!

So often, I haven't spoken up or done anything because I've felt small and insignificant. I've felt worthless and walked over. I've felt like my small voice, my small thoughts, my wants, my hopes, and my dreams were somehow inferior. I haven't felt strong enough, smart enough, brave enough, or skilled enough to do the things I want. Paralizing right? To focus on that makes me freeze in my tracks with self loathing and doubt. I hate being vulnerable to failure.

It's liberating to take a look at the things we do have to offer!

Shonlock via Twitter: “David would have been defeated by Goliath had he used the armor. But he wasn’t. He used what God gave him 2 use. So use what God has given you.”

What’s your skill? Making music, speaking, writing, being a friend, designing web sites, teaching, feeding people, training dogs. . . training brains? :) You have a skill right now. I guarentee there is something in your life that you are better at then most people. Take that skill, maximize it, look it from a different viewpoint and run with it!

Go further!
Here are some people/info that has inspired me lately:

Live Your Legend - Scott Dinsmore Practical advice and ispritation to get you where you want to be in life. Learn what you are passionate about and how to use your passions.

Terri Savelle Foy Character shaping tools for being the best you that you can be. Guidance on putting the past behind and getting prepared for the future.

Carlos Whittaker / Ragamuffin Soul Fresh outlook on life, God, and the people we share the planet with. This guy makes me take a good hard look at myself.

Caffeine Free Day #1

I did something a little crazy today. I gave up caffeine. Oh dear... that just makes me cringe to say. Those who know me definitely know that coffee is my drug of choice. I don't remember the last time I went more than a day or two without some coffee. The thing is, I want to be myself without depending on a substance to get me through the day. It's bad when I feel depressed without it, and the highlight of my day is a double espresso. I'm doing this purely for myself and my health, and will be having coffee again in my life... just in moderation.

The last time I did this, in 2007 when I had mono, was quite by accident. The migraines were terrible. I'm drinking lots of tea and water, as well as working out with my favorite Jillian Michaels. Peeing and sweating it all out, I'll be clean in no time! =)

I bid you farewell caffeine, you make my heart beat fast. . . but I need to be free. Time to be happy myself, and see what I'm really made of!

Writer's Block Blues

This writer's block needs to end. It's been months. Between working two jobs, caring for home and family, and  other priorities, I feel void of inspiration for this blog. I want this blog to be full of honesty, and so here it is. I don't have anything to say, nothing profound or inspirational, so I'm just going to be candid. 


I got a new car this week, that is fun! I've only had one car my entire driving history, so this is life changing! 2008 Ford Fusion. Heated leather seats baby! I'm loving it!


I kept up with my fitness/weight goals over the holidays. Jillian Michaels is still my saving grace and motivation through this journey. I love her weekly podcast, such a mood booster! I've lost 20 more pounds in 2011, for a grand total of 83 pounds lost since July 2010! Amazing!!


The Hubs and I just celebrated our 1st Wedding Anniversary! People say that the first year of marriage is usually really hard as you get to know the other person in a while new light. Learning to sacrifice your own wants and desires, to become one, can be a painful process. The joy and that love that you share bandages up those selfish wounds. From my experience, I’ve come out of this year a better person than I began. I more in love, and ready to fight for us.

5 Things I’ve Learned:

1. Flirt with your hubby/wifey daily.
2. Make goals together and brainstorm your dreams.
3. Talk things out when they bug you, and don’t let things pile up in the shadows.
4. It’s life changing to be loved unconditionally.
5. Life and relationships are never going to be perfect all the time, they won’t always be what we think we need. . . but, I’m learning to savor the moments that seem too good to be true, and when you’re looking for them, they come around more often.


So there's my writer's block entry. Dreaming of the inspiration to come. Hugs and love!